What do you do when your ex’s birthday is coming up and for some reason you got invited to the party? You just know people are talking about if you’re going to show up and if you’re going to cause a scene. So here are some gift ideas for your ex. (I don’t really advocate that you do any of this, but it is a nice thought to have… isn’t it?)

• The finger.
• A photograph from one of those photobooths of you and your new lover doing the horizontal tango while vertical.
• A dead animal (please don’t go and kill an animal, please use one that is already dead and that you will give a proper sending off)
• Rotting compost that’s not quite dirt yet.
• A large jar full of sewage.
• Cracking open a rotten egg on the head.
• Spreading a rumor that he needs ‘help’ getting it up. (If your ex is a girl, tell people she’s a raving bitch who PMS’s 24/7 who can’t give head.)
• A positive pregnancy test. Bonus points if he believes it. Double bonus points if he flips out over being a baby daddy.
• An empty box of mac and cheese. Bonus points for a box of mac and cheese with something rotting inside.
• A bucket of (fake) blood on the head, Stephen King’s Carrie style.