I’m not quite sure why you’d want to ruin a first date. Maybe it’s a blind date and within the first ten minutes you decided that getting a bikini wax would be more fun. Maybe it’s a blind date and you want the guy to be completely put off by you because your friends are nosy busybodies. If that’s the case, you’re kind of a bit judgmental, but whatever. So here are ten ways where you can ruin your chance to make a good impression and guarantee that you don’t end up getting a second date (and if you do get a chance at a second date – you’ve found the most mellow person in the whole wide world, why not hold onto him if he’s a good person?). Of course, some of this stuff is pretty awful to do as well, so I don’t really suggest you going about doing this.

• Text a friend every few minutes, make sure it’s incredibly obvious. Oh, also arrange for a friend to call you sometime during the date. Bonus points if it’s an ex-boyfriend that you’re still friends with, double bonus points if a friend calls you with their own date emergencies and you both complain about your respective dates, loudly.
• Have a digital camera and start making a video. Gush about how you want to remember every single moment and ask them to state their name and/or age for the camera. When the date’s done, start going through the footage and frown whenever he talks on camera, tell him that the lighting was all wrong and you need him to repeat everything for the camera again.
• Criticize his clothing and shoes right in front of him.
• Listen to your mp3 player the entire time, which will prompt you to go ‘Hmmm?’ whenever he tries to talk to you.
• Stop him every single time after he says something and inform him that you need to Twitter it via your cell phone. Bonus points if you’re actually Twittering it.
• Don’t laugh at any jokes (no matter how funny it actually is) that he makes. If you’re feeling particularly mean, tell him that you’ve heard better from better.
• Tell him that you don’t normally date blondes (or some other physical characteristic) and he just reinforced it.
• Break down in the middle of the restaurant/mall/store/street. Tell him you just stepped on an ant or spider or something and can’t handle the fact that you just ended an innocent life (bonus points if he doesn’t believe that spiders and ants can go to heaven and then it sparks a nice debate).
• Talk about your ex the entire time. And I mean, the entire time. Compare everything to some date you had before, some date that ended well or badly. Thank him later for listening and say that it was a great therapy session.
• Refuse to be less than three feet away from him at all times. Have a measure tape or something to ensure this and physically measure it every once in a while. Tell him that you don’t appreciate having people in your personal bubble and the voices don’t appreciate others crowding them, that’s why you need such a personal bubble for yourself. Bonus points if you refer to yourself in the third person, double bonus points of the ‘voices’ come out to chat with him during the date, triple bonus points if he actually thinks you’re serious about the voices.