Squirrel Darwinisms

Written on September 29, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Filed under: Randomosity

@ Jenna, Kristi & Dane:

All three of you seem to be equally confused over squirrels. Allow me to correct you.

Jenna, you said:

Aaaw at least you didn’t step on him.

It’s survival of the fittest. If I wanted to, I could have stepped on him. In fact I probably would have and, seeing as it probably weighs like 5lbs and I outweigh it by more than 100lbs, I could have stepped on it and it wouldn’t have been able to do very much to me.

Kristi, you said:

What! that’s insane! I can’t believe the squirrel was right there.. seriously. I would have picked it up :D and cuddled.

No, no, no, no! Squirrels at my school are pretty much guaranteed to be diseased and filthy. For example, I have been regularly attacked by this black squirrel in the gardens that lead to one of my biology lecture halls. It’s black and it has no tail. Correction: it has a stub for at able. It also has patches of fur missing, likes to hiss, glare, and stalk. No one in their right mind would pick up a squirrel at my school and cuddle the thing. You’re more likely to get your eyes gouged out and then they’ll eat your eyeballs or something.

And Dane. Dane, Dane, Dane… This is what you said:

Well, hey, at least you didn’t smoosh him! :D

But that’s so cute, adorable squirrel :3

I didn’t smoosh him because I a) wanted to get to class early to chat with a friend and b) didn’t want to get my shoes dirty. Squirrels where I live may be cute, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in this adorable tree-rat kind of way. Squirrels at my school are not (please refer to my description of having no tails and missing patches of fur where I replied to Kristi’s comment). They are not cute. They are not adorable. Adorable is what you call a foal attempting to walk for the first time. Adorable is what you call a kitten that’s mewling at you and rubbing it’s head against your leg. Squirrels that hiss and are bold enough to flick it’s tail at you? That’s what you call “future roadkill”. Not adorable, not cute and definitely (definitely, definitely) smoosh-worthy.

Don’t feel sorry for the ‘almost stepped on’ squirrel. Don’t cuddle the diseased feral rodents. Don’t call them cute and adorable. That’s just what they want you to think so that you’ll swerve to avoid hitting them when you’re driving. Instead, if you see one, you should check out the area to see if there’s any police cars and then press on the gas. [pause] I wasn’t suggesting that you kill it. Just that you scare it off so it can go and do squirrel-y things. Like eating out of bird feeders, eating pizza and sushi scraps from the garbage at my school and sleeping on concrete steps.

2 Responses to “Squirrel Darwinisms”

  1. Jenna says:

    But… but….it’s a squirrel O_O…Yes, it’s diseased I wouldn’t pet it or anything but they are cutie pies!

  2. Dane says:

    But… but… squirrels! They’re ALWAYS cute!

    Though I am a strange one and would probably find the black, hairless, tailless squirrel adorable beyond all verbal description.

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