Today, I’ve decided that I’m going to aspire to be a dictator.
And no, I’m not going to be one of those hated dictators, although I suppose everyone does end up with their fans and their rivals. But I’ll be nice… ish. You know, continue to club seal cubs over their heads (unless the species decides to go endangered). Eat shrimp for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Promote hugging trees (unless someone with a chain saw is coming straight for you…) and, of course, do something about homelessness (ship ‘em all to some country that’s lacking people – if there’s no people, there’s no homelessness, now is there?).
On a more serious note, for my bid of world domination and whatnot… World literacy will get promoted, as well as safe health practices, the right to read smutty romance novels, access to clean drinking water and… some form of health care. Not free health care, mind you. Insurance and whatnot is good, short waiting times are good too… I mean, the dictator’s coffers aren’t going to fill by themselves, correct?
But hey, the right to read smutty romance novels… That’s going to win people over, right?
New punishable offenses will probably include:
- Burning of smutty romance novels
- Spamming your followers on Twitter with mindless, absolutely pointless tweets
- Filling up your friends’ Facebook newsfeed with your ‘quiz’ results (nobody cares if you’re going to “survive” an apocalypse or not… And if you do take the quiz, I sincerely hope you don’t)
- Referring to the Dictator (a.k.a. Me) as a ‘Bumblebee’ when the Dictator is wearing a yellow-and-brown striped shirt. Like seriously. It’s not original.
But really, I mean… Those offenses should be somewhat punishable… Right?
Granted, there’d be a bunch of ceremonial things to deal with. I mean, as a dictator, I’d probably ‘ask’ that my name and face be on just about everything. Money (coins and bills), flags, postage stamps (for those who are feeling a little old school) and public transit advertisements. Which would be pretty cool, I think… I mean, who doesn’t want their profile on the back of every single piece of coin that comes across their hands?
And lastly, as dictator, I promise to love everyone unequally and treat everyone unfairly as well. (I’m a dictator, remember? Not your best friend.) I’d say ‘vote for me!’ but I don’t remember the last time that a dictator was really ‘voted’ for. I mean, I suppose I’ll start by getting into some kind of federal office… Then move on to take over all the countries one by one…
But that would take quite a bit of effort. So maybe, instead of that, I’ll just focus on beating the last few challengers in Pokemon. It’s a lot easier but still a challenge, nonetheless.
How was your Tuesday?