Sometimes… I omit things that are happening in my life when it comes to writing my blog entries. It’s basically a lie by omission, like if I say everything’s going fine or okay – it eventually will be. And I realized that I am incredibly bad at lying to myself.
Like I would fail a polygraph test if I were to give myself one.
That’s how bad I am at lying to myself.
We have high standards for the people that we care about. It’s just the truth. We have higher expectations for the people that we love because we expect them to fulfill those standards and expectations. It’s something that I learned my psychology class (apparently that $900+ course was good for something after all). We have our expectations more violated when it’s something done by someone that we love, rather than someone that we barely know at all.
If a stranger comes up to you and calls you something crude and uncalled for. You justify it easily. They’re in a bad mood. Their mother didn’t raise them well. They’re drunk or high or on an acid trip and can’t see straight.
But if someone that you love comes up to you and tells you something that you don’t want to hear. You have trouble justifying it. If a stranger’s comment is like a penknife to the arm, a hurtful comment from someone that you trust is like having them take a long stake, stabbing you right by the heart and giving it a hard twist. Or something.
I’m feeling melodramatic today.
Life’s been… rather shitty for the last week or so. Despite me saying that things are great/okay/fine/cheery… I’m kind of a liar that way. I think, in a way, I knew things were going to turn out the way that they have so far… But at the same time, I didn’t want them to turn out the ways I predicted. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted to be wrong in thinking that things were going to be the way that they are. I think I knew all along, after a little conversation I had last week or the week before, that things would turn out this way. I think I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that this was going to happen. But I still wanted to be wrong, I just so wanted to be wrong.
I know, I’m probably confusing most everyone right now. But that’s okay, because I’m confused too.
Hope you had a happy Friday.