Sometimes… I omit things that are happening in my life when it comes to writing my blog entries. It’s basically a lie by omission, like if I say everything’s going fine or okay – it eventually will be. And I realized that I am incredibly bad at lying to myself.

Like I would fail a polygraph test if I were to give myself one.

That’s how bad I am at lying to myself.

We have high standards for the people that we care about. It’s just the truth. We have higher expectations for the people that we love because we expect them to fulfill those standards and expectations. It’s something that I learned my psychology class (apparently that $900+ course was good for something after all). We have our expectations more violated when it’s something done by someone that we love, rather than someone that we barely know at all.

If a stranger comes up to you and calls you something crude and uncalled for. You justify it easily. They’re in a bad mood. Their mother didn’t raise them well. They’re drunk or high or on an acid trip and can’t see straight.

But if someone that you love comes up to you and tells you something that you don’t want to hear. You have trouble justifying it. If a stranger’s comment is like a penknife to the arm, a hurtful comment from someone that you trust is like having them take a long stake, stabbing you right by the heart and giving it a hard twist. Or something.

I’m feeling melodramatic today.

Life’s been… rather shitty for the last week or so. Despite me saying that things are great/okay/fine/cheery… I’m kind of a liar that way. I think, in a way, I knew things were going to turn out the way that they have so far… But at the same time, I didn’t want them to turn out the ways I predicted. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted to be wrong in thinking that things were going to be the way that they are. I think I knew all along, after a little conversation I had last week or the week before, that things would turn out this way. I think I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that this was going to happen. But I still wanted to be wrong, I just so wanted to be wrong.

I know, I’m probably confusing most everyone right now. But that’s okay, because I’m confused too.

Hope you had a happy Friday.

3 Responses

  1. I agree with what you say. My mother often calls me names uncalled for, along the lines of idiot, stupid, and bitch. It hurts a lot more than someone in the street calling me a bitch for getting in their way or something.

    I don’t know about lying to myself but I am bad at lying about anything. I know the feeling when you think something is just going to happen. I guess it depends on what it is, but when it happens, you wish it doesn’t. 🙁

    I hope you feel better soon! *hugs*

  2. I definitely, with out a doubt, lie by omission on my public blog. I don’t think I’ve ever written about a bad day or the hard events that have occurred in my life the past sixth months, as I try my best to make every entry uplifting. I think it’s maybe because my website is for professional purposes (I have agents looking at it every now and then), but I try not to get too personal. That’s for my LJ.

    So… I totally am with you on that side of things.

    You’re also utterly right. When someone you love takes a hit at you, it burns so much deeper then it had been a stranger. It’s an unexpected throw, and typically a bad one too.

    I’m sorry it’s been a hard week for you. I know the word sorry has been overused and beaten to the ground, but really, I guess it’s all I got. I sincerely hope things start looking up. 🙂

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